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19 drafts later

I’ve spent so much time this year identifying problems and how to fix them, but when I look back at it all I don’t think I’ve accomplished much changing.

Today I took my first paid day off since starting this job. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything special, but I discovered that my walkman fits in a coat pocket, and I cried visiting my dog (I don’t want her to die but I don’t know how to spend time with her while she’s alive), and I ran between rooms with an open bathrobe falling off my body moving everything around in the apt.

I’m fed up with floating, which I’d been doing on purpose this month. I think I really do need to be obsessed with a project in order to be happy. Without it, I binge-eat at night. I wake up angry because my hair feels too hot on my neck. My back always hurts, and sometimes I feel really lonely.

I’ve been eating a lot of canned soup and pre-washed/cut fruit and veggies. This is a great and significant development. I always want salad and I always want soup, but I never want to wash lettuce or cut lettuce or wash fruit or cut fruit or cook. Alex read that letting unprepared food go bad in the fridge is an adhd thing. I think a lot of my things are adhd things. I’ve been experimenting with sudafed and taking forced breaks to disrupt hyperfocus and racing thoughts.

I really need a type of exercise. Youtube yoga makes sense and at first it brought me peace of mind but lately it just makes me mad to think about. (Even when I try I don’t settle down. I just want to slow down enough to play with and pet the cats.) I found out about a city pool near me, might start swimming laps to clear my head.


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